What If....?

The terrible events of this week will doubtless leave long shadows; for the victims of crime, the communities that have suffered and for the perpetrators themselves.  The fear engendered in the people of London, Birmingham and elsewere by the rioters was tremendous; not helped by the images broadcast blanket-style by our media.

How do our minds cope with this sort of journalism?  Well, we are all individuals, having our own values, beliefs and memories which shape the way we perceive our world, and we all cope with different situations in different ways.  One thing, though, we do have in common:  how frequently do you end up feeling extremely stressed through imagining "What If?" scenarios which, in reality, will never happen?  Most of us are pretty good at this - and some of us are master experts!

What we choose to focus on and pay attention to in our lives is what expands.  This may sound simplistic, but if you are spending the day creating what amounts to a horror movie in your head, then how relaxed is that going to make you feel?

When we are regularly living and working in a stressed state, our ability to cope with day to day life becomes compromised; we end up reacting badly in our interactions with other people which in turn intensifies the stress in us.  The biology of our bodies is directly affected by the thoughts in our minds, and if those thoughts are stressful or negative then we will experience an equivalent physical response.  Muscle tension and increased adrenaline can lead to symptoms such as headaches, gastric ulcers, lowered immune response and even heart attacks.  As the Buddha said, "We will not be punished for our anger - we will be punished by our anger."

So, instead of focusing on the stressful situation and "What If"-ing up to catastrophic proportions, what if we change our focus from what we don't want to have happen, to what we do want?  What would happen if you develop the habit of imagining things working out well in your life?  What If... something positive happens today?  And if that happens, then what might happen...?  How much better do you think your day will be if you begin it by believing that your day will be good?

As human beings, we have a tendency to believe what we see and see what we believe; in other words, if you believe you will have a good day, then your unconscious mind will collect evidence for you to support that belief throughout the day.  If we change the focus from why our day was so bad into what made the day good, despite the bad thing that might have happened, then we are effectively creating for ourselves a different way of perceiving our world; what, in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, is called a "reframe".

Those things that make your day good don't necessarily have to be huge; they can be a kiss from your partner, a cuddle with your dog, a text from a friend, a smile from a stranger, a moment in nature.  Pay attention as you collect your evidence, and enjoy each moment.  With practice, we can develop the ability to enjoy even the boring and routine things, like a delay at the airport!  The present moment is an excellent antidote to the stress of the past and worries of the future.  As Margaret Bonanno said, "It is only possible to live happily ever after on a daily basis."

"Do you remember when...?"

"Time is an illusion:  lunchtime doubly so."    Douglas Adams

Twenty-two years ago today, I was a nervous bride-in-waiting; the cream silk gown, made by my mother, was hanging in state and the intricate lace veil was awaiting its debut.  Finishing touches were being added to the cake - we would have to wait until morning to gather the fresh ivy leaves to decorate the base - and friends and family had started to arrive from various far-flung corners of the British Isles.

It's funny how many events in our lives can stay crystal-clear in our minds; we can put ourselves right back there, whenever we want to, and really feel, see and hear exactly what was going on at that time; reliving the event in our imagination with such incredible clarity, regardless of how many intervening years have elapsed. 

Sometimes it's not the most important things that we remember; a random and seemingly unimportant event can remain very clear in our minds, for no apparent reason - I have a remarkably clear memory of visiting "Strawberry Farm" - a farm shop near our home - when I must have been about two years old; how high up the wooden crates of vegetables seemed to me, the smell of the dark shed and the silky feel of broad bean pods when I reached up to touch.

Sometimes time seems to pass so slowly - do you remember how long the summer holidays lasted when we were little?  They seemed to stretch out in front of us forever - six or seven weeks was an eternity of joyful freedom! - but as we grow older, so time seems to speed up.  It seems no time at all since we were slipping and sliding outside on the snow and ice that gripped our lane for so many weeks last winter!

I heard an elegant theory about why this is so - when we are, say, five, a month is quite a big proportion of those five years; when we are forty-five, that proportion grows less significant.  Time, then, appears to speed up relative to our age.

We all create our own realities, though, so if time is relative then we can all be in control of how fast it appears to pass for us.  If we spend our time focusing on the past or the future, is it any wonder that the present passes us by? 

If you want to be able to recall precious memories in the future, remember that you have to be in the moment now in order to create them.  I  have a very clear memory of my lovely older sister telling me exactly that, on the morning of Saturday 5 August 1989.  Thanks for that, Cait - I am forever grateful!