What If....?

The terrible events of this week will doubtless leave long shadows; for the victims of crime, the communities that have suffered and for the perpetrators themselves.  The fear engendered in the people of London, Birmingham and elsewere by the rioters was tremendous; not helped by the images broadcast blanket-style by our media.

How do our minds cope with this sort of journalism?  Well, we are all individuals, having our own values, beliefs and memories which shape the way we perceive our world, and we all cope with different situations in different ways.  One thing, though, we do have in common:  how frequently do you end up feeling extremely stressed through imagining "What If?" scenarios which, in reality, will never happen?  Most of us are pretty good at this - and some of us are master experts!

What we choose to focus on and pay attention to in our lives is what expands.  This may sound simplistic, but if you are spending the day creating what amounts to a horror movie in your head, then how relaxed is that going to make you feel?

When we are regularly living and working in a stressed state, our ability to cope with day to day life becomes compromised; we end up reacting badly in our interactions with other people which in turn intensifies the stress in us.  The biology of our bodies is directly affected by the thoughts in our minds, and if those thoughts are stressful or negative then we will experience an equivalent physical response.  Muscle tension and increased adrenaline can lead to symptoms such as headaches, gastric ulcers, lowered immune response and even heart attacks.  As the Buddha said, "We will not be punished for our anger - we will be punished by our anger."

So, instead of focusing on the stressful situation and "What If"-ing up to catastrophic proportions, what if we change our focus from what we don't want to have happen, to what we do want?  What would happen if you develop the habit of imagining things working out well in your life?  What If... something positive happens today?  And if that happens, then what might happen...?  How much better do you think your day will be if you begin it by believing that your day will be good?

As human beings, we have a tendency to believe what we see and see what we believe; in other words, if you believe you will have a good day, then your unconscious mind will collect evidence for you to support that belief throughout the day.  If we change the focus from why our day was so bad into what made the day good, despite the bad thing that might have happened, then we are effectively creating for ourselves a different way of perceiving our world; what, in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, is called a "reframe".

Those things that make your day good don't necessarily have to be huge; they can be a kiss from your partner, a cuddle with your dog, a text from a friend, a smile from a stranger, a moment in nature.  Pay attention as you collect your evidence, and enjoy each moment.  With practice, we can develop the ability to enjoy even the boring and routine things, like a delay at the airport!  The present moment is an excellent antidote to the stress of the past and worries of the future.  As Margaret Bonanno said, "It is only possible to live happily ever after on a daily basis."

The Teachings of Dog - No 14: What If...?

"Do not borrow trouble - the rate of interest is too high."  - Anne of Green Gables

With five canine members of staff in the household, there is often drama and excitement of some sort, and yesterday it was Daisy's turn for the spotlight...  Her accidental ingestion of something unfortunate on an empty stomach interrupted our leisurely Sunday morning rituals and resulted in frantic phonecalls to the vet and a speedy drive to the exceptionally kind and wise Stephen Hudson at Grace Lane Vets.

The drive normally takes half an hour - to me, in the driving seat, one hand occasionally straying to caress the tiny, furry head at my side, it seemed to take an age.  My imagination , always fertile, was propelled into overdrive as increasingly creative and disastrous images played out in my mind.  I seemed to be stuck behind every slow-moving vehicle in North Yorkshire, including a large number of classic cars en route to a rally, for whom 40mph was a seldom-attained speed...

When we finally arrived, Stephen greeted me with a smile and the news that his research had revealed it was pretty harmless to dogs, especially in the tiny amount which Daisy had eaten, so it wouldn't even be necessary to make her sick.  Daisy, cuddled up in my arms, disagreed with her medical advisor and summed up her opinion of her disturbed morning by returning her forbidden snack, with interest, over my shoulder.  Returning home, at a much less frantic pace, she then happily tucked into her belated breakfast and danced out into the garden - her usual, carefree, dandelion-seed self.

Daisy's Teachings:

• A problem is often only a problem in our own minds - if we were not thinking about it, would it still exist?
• "What If...?" can be useful, but what if we imagine something good happening, rather than something bad?
• You cannot keep five dogs away from something that accidentally falls on the floor at breakfast time (unless it's a worming tablet, obviously!).

The Teachings of Dog - No 11: Is It Really Real?

Snippets, our newest canine member of staff, has been with us now for just over a week and her personality is starting to blossom as her comfort zones gradually expand. She has discovered the joys of scrabbling excitedly in the scrunchy dead leaves of the crocosmia plant on the terrace, especially when "hiding" from Theo during a game of chase. She was very excited indeed to see Tracy last week for her new makeover, and after a rather drastic short-back-and-sides is now half the dog that she was... the discarded fluff filled an entire carrier bag! A trip to the beach at the weekend with Daisy and Poppy for company raised her to heights of bliss, once she realised that she could safely leave our sides for a run - but even better if we ran with her!

But Snippets has a problem. We had a visit from our lovely business coach, Dr Alun Rees, yesterday, and when he arrived Theo gave his usual vociferous and enthusiastic schnauzer welcome, aided and abetted by the rest of his team. All except Snippets whom, after a spot of loud and horrified barking, shot up the stairs and retreated to the safety of our bed, from where she refused to be moved. We managed to have her in the same room during the evening, when we were all in front of the fire, but even the sight of Theo and Daisy cuddling up next to Alun on the sofa was not enough to convince Snippets that he is really a friendly and gentle dog-loving soul.

Something in Snippets's unknown past has created for her a belief that all unknown men are to be feared. For the other dogs, this is not their reality; they experienced the same situation and were more than happy to relax in Alun's company, but Snippets believes it with all the fervency of her little doggy heart and, to her, the fear is very real in her mind because of that belief.

We all have our own worries and fears; most of us are extremely good at the game of "What If?" and can create easily for ourselves some quite scary future "realities", because reality is subjective. Next time you find yourself doing this, stop for a moment and consider whether or not your fear is really real. Is it actually true, in this moment, or is it just a belief or a thought of something that might happen? What happens if, instead of your "What If" being a negative possibility, you change it to be "What If... something positive"? You may find your fears are less real than you thought they were.

For Snippets, of course, the only way to prove to her that her old belief is not true is with time, patience and a lot of love. Fortunately we can offer her all three of those in abundance, so that hopefully when Alun is back again in April, Snippets will be competing with the others for a place next to him on the sofa.

Snippets's Teachings:

• Just because you believe something, it doesn't necessarily mean it is true. Is the belief serving you? If not, ask yourself whether it could be time to let it go. What would be a more empowering belief to have in its place?
• Ask yourself, What If.... today was the most wonderful day of your life so far? What could happen if you start each day with that expectation?
• Last year's crocosmia leaves are the best place to hide the squeaky duck.

Allow your dreams to set sail

I heard a lovely quote yesterday, from my niece, who came across it on Twitter (I don't know from where or whom this originated - if you do, please let me know!):

"The boat is safer anchored at the port; but that's not the aim of boats."

Very often we will stay anchored to something because it seems like the safest option, but we forget that fear can keep us from achieving our dreams. As you set your goals for the New Year, notice what fears and old beliefs may be holding you back - maybe it is time to set yourself free.

More Choice is better than No Choice

"If you want to make the right decision for the future, fear is not a very good consultant." - Markus Dohle

HOW DO YOU decide what course of action to take when presented with a difficult decision? It's interesting how often fear guides our choice of direction - fear of losing one's security, or of rejection, or what others might think. Fear reduces our choices and takes away our power to feel in control of a situation; when we are fearful we are at the "Effect" side of the Cause-Effect equation - a victim of circumstances. This is when we can find ourselves making excuses and blaming others for our situation - no wonder we don't feel in control, because we are not! Does this lead to a bold, balanced or useful decision? Not usually!
Now take a moment to wonder what could happen when we are able to consider our options without associating with those feelings of fear, or other negative emotions such as anger, which can also cloud our judgement? This effectively takes us to the other side of the equation - the "Cause" side. With the Cause side comes taking responsibility; and when we take responsibility then we take control - our decisions can then be made from a grounded position of strength and boldness, and instead of reaction we have a true choice.
Pay attention to the underlying thoughts behind your decisions today... are you operating from the Effect side, or are you at Cause? Many useful techniques exist to help us to move from Effect to Cause - NLP, Memory Resolution, self-hypnosis, Sedona, EFT... to name just a few. More choice is always better than no choice!