The Teachings of Dog - No 15: Let Dog be your co-pilot

The other day I came across the following story, from the wonderful author and therapist, Bill O'Hanlon. 

Some years ago, at the therapy group practice where Bill worked, a couple had sought relationship counselling.  They were very embittered with one another, but couldn't get a divorce because they had a dog that was the centre of their lives and neither of them was willing to give up even partial custody.

When the therapist worked with them, he discovered that the wife resented her husband's habit of coming home from work, not even acknowledging her when he walked through the door, but heading straight upstairs to shower.  By the time he arrived back downstairs she would be so livid that they would get into a terrible argument.

The therapist asked what the dog did when the husband arrived home, which was different from what the wife did.  It turned out that the dog would run to the door, greet the husband and get a nice rubbing in return.  The wife would wait in the other room for her husband to seek her out, which he didn't do.

The husband complained that the wife was not physically affectionate.  He longed for her to cuddle up next to him on the sofa while they were watching television, and would complain sarcastically that he must have body odour when she sat some distance away from him.

The therapist discovered that the dog was very assertive when he wanted affection; he would come over, sit next to the person from whom he wanted affection and push his nose under their arm if they were distracted or unresponsive, until they gave him a cuddle.

The couple was given this task:  they were to study the dog and make him their teacher and guru.  When they saw how he got what he wanted from their partner, they were to model that behaviour and try it out with their partner.  They had great fun with this and began to turn their relationship around, no longer wanting a divorce.

For any relationship that you would like to shift in a positive or better direction, Bill suggests that you could think of an animal whose behaviour you could model - or, as he says, let Dog be your co-pilot...

The Teachings of Dog - No 14: What If...?

"Do not borrow trouble - the rate of interest is too high."  - Anne of Green Gables

With five canine members of staff in the household, there is often drama and excitement of some sort, and yesterday it was Daisy's turn for the spotlight...  Her accidental ingestion of something unfortunate on an empty stomach interrupted our leisurely Sunday morning rituals and resulted in frantic phonecalls to the vet and a speedy drive to the exceptionally kind and wise Stephen Hudson at Grace Lane Vets.

The drive normally takes half an hour - to me, in the driving seat, one hand occasionally straying to caress the tiny, furry head at my side, it seemed to take an age.  My imagination , always fertile, was propelled into overdrive as increasingly creative and disastrous images played out in my mind.  I seemed to be stuck behind every slow-moving vehicle in North Yorkshire, including a large number of classic cars en route to a rally, for whom 40mph was a seldom-attained speed...

When we finally arrived, Stephen greeted me with a smile and the news that his research had revealed it was pretty harmless to dogs, especially in the tiny amount which Daisy had eaten, so it wouldn't even be necessary to make her sick.  Daisy, cuddled up in my arms, disagreed with her medical advisor and summed up her opinion of her disturbed morning by returning her forbidden snack, with interest, over my shoulder.  Returning home, at a much less frantic pace, she then happily tucked into her belated breakfast and danced out into the garden - her usual, carefree, dandelion-seed self.

Daisy's Teachings:

• A problem is often only a problem in our own minds - if we were not thinking about it, would it still exist?
• "What If...?" can be useful, but what if we imagine something good happening, rather than something bad?
• You cannot keep five dogs away from something that accidentally falls on the floor at breakfast time (unless it's a worming tablet, obviously!).

The Teachings of Dog - No 13: The Art of Giving and Receiving

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me'.  Look what happens with a love like that - it lights the whole sky."  - Hafiz of Persia 

Lily and her canine colleagues are all masters of the art of unconditional giving - and of receiving. Lily will happily spend long periods of time patiently cleaning Poppy's eyes, or Theo's ears - and they, in their turn, will happily let her. As a puppy, when teething, Theo would chew enthusiastically on his mother, Lily's, ears, while she lay patiently, not seeming to mind the soggy outcome, or the subsequent crispiness of dried, licked fur.


What happens when we give somebody a gift, or an offer of help...  Do we expect something in return?  Are we offended if the person receiving it doesn't like our gift, or chooses to give it away again to somebody else?  The Aborigines would say, if we have that sort of attachment to a gift, then it is not a gift at all, it is something else.  If it is a true gift then it is given unconditionally; we should not mind at all what the other person chooses to do with it, and certainly have no expectation of receiving anything in exchange.

And when somebody offers us a gift, do we receive it graciously and with gratitude - or do we feel beholden to the giver and consider that we have to reciprocate in some way?  When we accept a gift with genuine gratitude we are already giving something back to the giver - the gift of true appreciation.

The Teachings of Dog - No 12: What sort of seeds are you sowing?

It's been a beautiful spring weekend here in North Yorkshire. The garden is beginning to come to life and small green shoots are thrusting their way through the bare brown soil - the weeds as well as the garden plants...

Amongst the canine members of staff, Snippets has discovered yet another new joy in life; mysterious holes have started to appear around the base of the fern by the mint bed... Snippets will return to the kitchen with suspiciously muddy paws, tail waving happily and a big smile on her little woolly face.

As the weather improves, the dogs enjoy spending more and more time exploring in the garden. A couple of days ago, this resulted in an exciting and illicit adventure as, unbeknown to me, the back gate through to the adjacent farm yard and fields had been left open...

Theo was the first to return, appearing at the back door with all four legs decorated with a festival of burrs which lent him a rakish and somewhat bizarre appearance. Tutting as to where on earth in the garden he could have collected this unwelcome harvest, I set to work removing them, and only after a few minutes did it dawn on me that the rest of the garden was suspiciously quiet and alarmingly dog-free...

Leaping out of the back door, I found the back gate wide open and, looking through, saw the four other staff members joyfully romping among the stalks of last year's burdock, diligently collecting the dried seed heads in their fur. They were quite delighted to see me, running back into the garden and bringing with them their sticky velcro harvest for me to remove from feet, legs and tails.

Theo, Lily, Snippets, Poppy & Daisy's Teachings:

Negative thoughts and beliefs can be compared to the seeds of the weeds that flourish in an uncared-for garden. As these beliefs and thoughts are planted in the mind, so they may grow and flourish, spreading quickly from one mind to another.

Take note of what seeds you are picking up from the world around you - what thoughts and beliefs do you choose to allow to take root in your mind? What seeds are you sowing in the minds of others? Remember that the seeds of happiness, kindness, compassion and love will always bear a good harvest.

What is Happiness?

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven in the human spirit." - Helen Keller

The Oxford English Dictionary defines happiness as "feeling or expressing joy", but what actually is it and how do we get there? I think nearly everybody knows what it feels like to have an absence of happiness, and this is what drives me in my work - I like to share with people the ideas that transformed my own life and made my seeds of happiness flourish, in the hope that it will do the same for others.

Most people seem to spend their time living and starring in their very own scary film - their lives are so full of worrying about what bad things might happen that they forget that there are a lot of good things which are just as likely to happen.

In the village where we used to live, in the North Yorkshire Moors, there are a lot of free-range sheep who wander the lanes. Sometimes, when I was out walking the dogs, we would come across a group of three or four sheep as we rounded a corner. At first, the sheep would ignore us and carry on eating the grass, but as we approached, they would lift their heads and stare. As we came even closer, the matriarch would stamp her foot and, with a sardonic "baaaa!" they would all canter off down the lane for a few metres, their little hooves beating a staccato rhythm on the tarmac of the road, before slowing to a walk and starting to eat the grass again.

Our walk would progress in this fashion, following the sheep down the road. We would come so close - sometimes you could think you would almost be able to reach them - then at the last moment off they would go again, always just out of our reach.

This set me thinking... if you really wanted to catch the sheep - if you had a good enough reason - how would you go about it?

Happiness can sometimes seem like this - always just out of reach - always just round the corner. "I'll be happy when..." is a common motif - we forget to live in the now. We forget that, in life, the journey is the destination; life is just a series of present moments and the present moment is the only chance we have to live. Sometimes I could be so busy watching the sheep in front that I would forget to look around me and notice the beautiful, dew bejewelled flowers in the hedgerows, and the wonderful plumage of the partridge on the gate, frozen into immobility at our passing.

So - if I did want to catch the sheep, then how would I go about it? I have some of the resources I need - arms and legs, even a dog! But without the knowledge of sheep I'd never catch them; they would remain forever elusive, always cantering off a few metres ahead of me. And that, to me, was the key - all I needed was learing, and there is always a shepherd to teach the skills you need.

The Teachings of Dog - No 9: Acceptance

After the sad loss of Hugo earlier this month, we've certainly noticed a feeling which I can only describe as "less dogness" in the house. Hugo had a big spirit, and although he was sleeping for 23½ hours out of every 24, he was still very much present. Even with the four other canine members of staff we were left with a space; a vacancy, if you will...

Of course, the laws of physics state that nature abhors a vacuum. We should not have been surprised, therefore, when a candidate obligingly appeared this weekend to audition for the Hugo-shaped space in our lives...

Snippets is a black and white poodle - at first glance resembling a small, rotund and anxious-to-please sheep, she has a perpetually wagging tail and a pair of dark, liquid eyes under a cascade of ringlets which serve to give her a distinctly rakish air. Lily and Poppy came with us to the kennels to collect her and hardly batted an eyelid at the sudden appearance of this woolly little being who was lifted into the back of their car without so much as a by-your-leave.

Within a few hours of her arrival, Snippets was becoming a part of the team. Despite being summarily removed from her old environment and placed somewhere with absolutely no familiar frames of reference, she seemed to take everything completely in her stride. Showing her round the house, she had no hesitation in trying out the sofas (and the beds!) for comfort and sat down by the Aga as if greeting an old friend.

It's interesting how like Hugo she is in some ways... the shape of her face, the expression of sweetness in her eyes, certain little quirks of character which are starting to emerge as she relaxes into her new home, and even her size all serve to remind us of our absent friend.

Snippets is a very good fit for that Hugo-shaped space in our home and our hearts, and it seems as though, like all of us, she is exactly where she is supposed to be.

Snippets's Teachings:

• When outside your comfort zone, have curiosity instead of fear; curiosity engenders growth, whereas fear paralyzes.
• Treat strangers as friends - they will always fulfil your expectations.
• Wherever you are, know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Teachings of Dog - No 8: Thief of Knowledge

I've spent a lot of the last two weeks studying and researching so I can add exciting new content to my courses later in the spring. (Bruce Lipton's book The Biology of Belief is just incredible, and if you haven't read it I can highly recommend it!) I enjoy sitting at the kitchen table to read and study; there's a lovely view out over the garden for the times when I want to stop and contemplate something and, of course, the kettle is handy...

The canine members of staff also appreciate my kitchen study-time. They do have the difficult decision to make of whether to sleep on my knee, on the bench next to me, in the dog bed or on the rug in front of the Aga, but after a bit of shuffling they seem to cope with that. Theo makes particularly good relaxing noises from time to time and Daisy will do one of her famous squeaky yawns... Poppy snores and Lily's feet twitch as she dreams...

Yesterday afternoon I was working at the dental practice. The morning had been spent in study and I had left everything on the kitchen table to await my return. John was first into the kitchen when we arrived home and he discovered a strange little object in the middle of the kitchen floor... which turned out to be a tiny metal spring, amalgamated with a piece of chewed plastic - the mortal remains of the propelling pencil I had been using to make my notes.

I'm not sure what was so attractive about the pencil (although it was pink, which seems to be Theo's favourite colour) but fortunately the other items on the table had escaped relatively unscathed; I had to re-write the top page of notes (slightly torn) and my bookmark was discovered in the dog bed, but the textbook and the rail tickets which had arrived in that day's post were untouched...

I suspect a Theo/Lily joint venture here; they both love to indulge their wanton curiosity. Their motto seems to be, "If it smells of you, we want it; if it's crunchy, we will eat it and if you leave it where we can reach it then it's ours." Theo has in the past demonstrated a talent for stealing things from the kitchen table (usually unguarded food, particularly after a dinner party) and Lily loves to chew crunchy things (recent casualties include an adaptor from a favourite lamp and my mother's hearing aid, and previously a pair of John's glasses - no squeaky plastic toy is safe). Together, mother and son, they make a formidable team!

Theo and Lily's Teachings:

• The pencil might be used to write the book, but it contains no wisdom of itself. When searching for wisdom, pay attention to the message, not just the medium by which it appears... so if you want to satisfy curiosity, eating the pencil probably isn't the best way to go about it.

Teachings of Dog - No 7: The Secret of Happiness

Daisy is a perennially happy little soul. Her beautiful, long tail, as soft as dandelion seeds, is carried high over her back and streams out in the wind as she dances up the garden path; just about anything can cause a wag of this gorgeous appendage. After a haircut, however, Daisy often experiences some consternation when the wagging tail tickles her back, causing her to turn in circles trying to ascertain the cause.

Daisy's tail chasing reminds me of a lovely story I heard... One day, Mother dog comes across one of her puppies chasing her tail and asks her what she is doing. The puppy tells her mother that she has just come back from Puppy Philosophy Class, where she learned that a dogs' happiness is stored in its tail, which is why dogs wag their tails when they are happy. "If I can catch my tail," says the puppy, "then I will have the secret to eternal happiness!". Mother dog smiles, "I learned that at Puppy Philosophy Class too," she says, "but what I have learned since then is that we don't find happiness by chasing it. Like your tail, once you get to where it was, you find it's moved on!" The puppy turns big eyes on her mother. "So how can we reach our happiness, then?" she asks. Mother dog smiles back at her daughter. "You don't have to try to reach it," she replies, "you already have it; happiness is always within you. When you know that, then as you move forward in the direction of your dreams, wherever you go, happiness will always follow behind you."

The Teachings of Dog: No 6 - Water Lily

Lily is an extremely determined lady. If a bit of biscuit (or a frozen pea - particular favourite!) makes a bid for freedom and escapes beneath a kitchen cupboard, then she will always be the first to draw attention to it by snuffling and scratching at it until either she manages to extract it or you give in and assist.

Since the ice has finally thawed on our little pond, Lily has discovered a new interest. Whatever it is (and frankly we probably don't want to know) is so deeply fascinating that she now spends far longer in the garden, but unfortunately for Lily it's something she cannot quite reach... None of the canine members of staff enjoy frolicking in water - Daisy is particularly funny in this respect and will go a long way out of her way to avoid stepping in even the shallowest puddle - so deliberately jumping in the pond is, for Lily, not an option. As she develops her strategies, however, she has clearly experienced some unwelcome feedback with a couple of early theories which resulted in her requiring some time for contemplation in the dogs' hot tub (otherwise known as the utility room sink). Like Edison with the development of his light bulb, to Lily this does not mean failure - she is simply finding different ways which do not give her the result she wants. I am sure, given time, she will achieve her goal.

Lily's teachings:

• Hold on to your dreams and goals, despite what others think.
• Know that sometimes in the pursuit of a goal it might mean you have to leave your comfort zone. Be prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve it.
• Never give up on a lost frozen pea.

Teachings of Dog - No 5: The Gift of Time

We were granted the gift of a whole extra hour of weekend, thanks to the clocks changing, and I enjoyed Jim Connolly's excellent blog on this subject yesterday.

Time is a precious commodity and, like water, we tend not to appreciate how precious until there is a shortage of it. Hugo is our oldest dog - at 14 we are now counting his remaining days like pearls slipping gently off a string. I'm not sure what happened to the tiny, fluffy soft-toy puppy we brought home in 1996, or where the glossy, energetic young dog has gone, who used to love the beaches in Guernsey. I remember walking along Vazon Bay one day and John saying he wished we could save a day of "young Hugo" to spend when he was old.

Hugo can no longer walk very far, but still enjoys a potter around the lawn and has a prodigious appetite for fallen apples, which he crunches up with tremendous satisfaction. He can no longer jump onto the sofa, but with a bit of assistance he can make it onto the furry beanbag which adapts itself very comfortably to his arthritic little body. Ensconced in front of the fire, he dreams dreams which make his feet twitch as if he's running once more along Vazon beach - I think maybe he spends more time as "young Hugo" than we know.

Hugo's Teachings:

• Live in the moment - today is a gift (they say that's why it's called 'the present').
• When you can no longer do what you used to do, find something better.
• Even when you are old, the younger you is still in there - somewhere.
• When life gives you an extra hour, spend it with someone you love.
• The most important things in life are love, compassion and patience... always.

Teachings of Dog - No.4

Daisy is our youngest member of staff. At just turned two, she is endearingly barmy, with a lightness of foot that always brings to mind a floating dandelion seed. Sometimes, when she is running, she will make a flying leap into the air, seemingly for no other reason than sheer joy of living.

I had to take her to the vet's on Wednesday for her annual injection; a procedure to which she took grave exception, nobly demonstrated when she was volubly sick all over the consulting table. I expected that when we arrived home she would be a bit quiet, but no - apart from a tendency to demand more cuddles, she was her own, tiny dancing self again.

Daisy's teachings:

• Live in the moment.
• Dance whenever you have the opportunity.
• Forgive all and bear no grudges.
• When you feel like you want a cuddle - ask.

Teachings of Dog - No.2

Lily, as her name suggests, is a white dog. Well, usually she is white, but occasionally some other colours creep in to add a little variety...

Last weekend John gave the lawn what was hopefully one of the last cuts of the season, but the grass was terribly wet and the mower left clumps of wet cut grass all over the lawn. The dogs were all very excited about the fact that we were in the garden and decided to have a very mad game of chase. When Lily came in, her feet were a bright, fluorescent green...

Another of Lily's passions is coal - for some reason she adores it and can't resist eating small pieces from the coal bucket (quite a feat if it's a bit empty - she's a small dog - we've just never had the heart to stop her!). Always a bit of a giveaway, however, when she wanders innocently into the office - with black whiskers and black tips to her ears...

Lily's teachings:

• Let go once in a while - forget about your appearance and have fun!
• Do whatever it takes to achieve your goals (or coals, in Lily's case), even if you might have to put up with others thinking you look stupid.
• Sometimes things might have an alternative use which nobody else has considered.
• Weirdness is what individuality is all about. You are always free to be weird whenever you want to be.

Teachings of Dog - No.1

I learn a lot about rapport and tolerance from watching our five dogs, and I wanted to share some of my learnings with my Blog readers.

The first in the series comes from Poppy - a diminutive Lhasa Apso of endearing temperament and enormous character. When she first came to us she had very sore feet due to a chronic infection. After the dogs have been out in the garden, if their feet are wet and muddy then we dry them on a towel before allowing them out of the kitchen, but Poppy could not tolerate this at all as she found it too painful. However, she didn't like having wet feet, so she worked out a way to solve the problem... Now, if we put the towel down on the floor, she will dry her own feet by scratching around in the towel (which she also finds great fun!).

Poppy's teachings:

• There is always more than one way of achieving your outcome - pick the one that is the most fun.
• Don't just complain about something you don't like - ask yourself if it is possible for you to do anything about it and, if so, take responsibility and take action.
• What activities do you really enjoy which you can use in another context?