What If....?

The terrible events of this week will doubtless leave long shadows; for the victims of crime, the communities that have suffered and for the perpetrators themselves.  The fear engendered in the people of London, Birmingham and elsewere by the rioters was tremendous; not helped by the images broadcast blanket-style by our media.

How do our minds cope with this sort of journalism?  Well, we are all individuals, having our own values, beliefs and memories which shape the way we perceive our world, and we all cope with different situations in different ways.  One thing, though, we do have in common:  how frequently do you end up feeling extremely stressed through imagining "What If?" scenarios which, in reality, will never happen?  Most of us are pretty good at this - and some of us are master experts!

What we choose to focus on and pay attention to in our lives is what expands.  This may sound simplistic, but if you are spending the day creating what amounts to a horror movie in your head, then how relaxed is that going to make you feel?

When we are regularly living and working in a stressed state, our ability to cope with day to day life becomes compromised; we end up reacting badly in our interactions with other people which in turn intensifies the stress in us.  The biology of our bodies is directly affected by the thoughts in our minds, and if those thoughts are stressful or negative then we will experience an equivalent physical response.  Muscle tension and increased adrenaline can lead to symptoms such as headaches, gastric ulcers, lowered immune response and even heart attacks.  As the Buddha said, "We will not be punished for our anger - we will be punished by our anger."

So, instead of focusing on the stressful situation and "What If"-ing up to catastrophic proportions, what if we change our focus from what we don't want to have happen, to what we do want?  What would happen if you develop the habit of imagining things working out well in your life?  What If... something positive happens today?  And if that happens, then what might happen...?  How much better do you think your day will be if you begin it by believing that your day will be good?

As human beings, we have a tendency to believe what we see and see what we believe; in other words, if you believe you will have a good day, then your unconscious mind will collect evidence for you to support that belief throughout the day.  If we change the focus from why our day was so bad into what made the day good, despite the bad thing that might have happened, then we are effectively creating for ourselves a different way of perceiving our world; what, in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, is called a "reframe".

Those things that make your day good don't necessarily have to be huge; they can be a kiss from your partner, a cuddle with your dog, a text from a friend, a smile from a stranger, a moment in nature.  Pay attention as you collect your evidence, and enjoy each moment.  With practice, we can develop the ability to enjoy even the boring and routine things, like a delay at the airport!  The present moment is an excellent antidote to the stress of the past and worries of the future.  As Margaret Bonanno said, "It is only possible to live happily ever after on a daily basis."

"Do you remember when...?"

"Time is an illusion:  lunchtime doubly so."    Douglas Adams

Twenty-two years ago today, I was a nervous bride-in-waiting; the cream silk gown, made by my mother, was hanging in state and the intricate lace veil was awaiting its debut.  Finishing touches were being added to the cake - we would have to wait until morning to gather the fresh ivy leaves to decorate the base - and friends and family had started to arrive from various far-flung corners of the British Isles.

It's funny how many events in our lives can stay crystal-clear in our minds; we can put ourselves right back there, whenever we want to, and really feel, see and hear exactly what was going on at that time; reliving the event in our imagination with such incredible clarity, regardless of how many intervening years have elapsed. 

Sometimes it's not the most important things that we remember; a random and seemingly unimportant event can remain very clear in our minds, for no apparent reason - I have a remarkably clear memory of visiting "Strawberry Farm" - a farm shop near our home - when I must have been about two years old; how high up the wooden crates of vegetables seemed to me, the smell of the dark shed and the silky feel of broad bean pods when I reached up to touch.

Sometimes time seems to pass so slowly - do you remember how long the summer holidays lasted when we were little?  They seemed to stretch out in front of us forever - six or seven weeks was an eternity of joyful freedom! - but as we grow older, so time seems to speed up.  It seems no time at all since we were slipping and sliding outside on the snow and ice that gripped our lane for so many weeks last winter!

I heard an elegant theory about why this is so - when we are, say, five, a month is quite a big proportion of those five years; when we are forty-five, that proportion grows less significant.  Time, then, appears to speed up relative to our age.

We all create our own realities, though, so if time is relative then we can all be in control of how fast it appears to pass for us.  If we spend our time focusing on the past or the future, is it any wonder that the present passes us by? 

If you want to be able to recall precious memories in the future, remember that you have to be in the moment now in order to create them.  I  have a very clear memory of my lovely older sister telling me exactly that, on the morning of Saturday 5 August 1989.  Thanks for that, Cait - I am forever grateful!

Stopping to smell the roses

Yesterday, I came across the following thought-provoking extract by Michael Neill (http://www.supercoach.com/) which I thought I would share with you:

"In any moment, we can decide that what we have is not enough and look around for something to fill in the gaps, or we can decide that what we have is exactly what we want.  We can turn our "bone of happiness" into a bone of contention and throw it off into some imaginary future, or we can enjoy gnawing on it right here, right now.

"This thought can be disturbing at first to people who feel like 'the next big thing' is continually just around the corner.  But just because there's nowhere to get to doesn't mean you'll no longer travel - just that you'll no longer travel in order to get somewhere better than right where youu are sitting now.  It doesn't mean that you can't upgrade your car, your job, your finances, or even your relationship.  It just means that if you do, it will be because you want to, not because you htink you have to or you should."

Sometimes it is important to pay attention to just how green the grass is already under your feet, before you consider the grass on the other side of the fence.  The grass under your feet will be greener if you water it.  Look around you and notice what you are grateful for now, in this moment; what is there in your world right now which makes you happy just to look at it, or think of it?

The Joy of Small Things

I posted a question on my Facebook Page yesterday asking what had happened to make the day special.  I was very sad that not one person appears to have considered Wednesday special in any way whatsoever! 

Let's consider this for a moment... the average adult has around 60,000 separate thoughts in a 24 hour period.  These thoughts might be about the past or the future, or maybe concerning what is going on in the present moment - but did you know that approximately 85% of those thoughts will be the same thoughts we had yesterday, and the same thoughts we will have tomorrow?  It seems that the human brain has an habitual pattern of endlessly repeating the same thoughts, over and over again, with very little original thought.  No wonder we don't think our days are special!

Now... consider that all-important 15%.  What happened yesterday that was different, that caused you to think differently... see something differently... feel something good?  Maybe it was a smile from a stranger; somebody who let you out of a side junction when you had been waiting for ages; a nice comment from a friend or colleague; a cuddle with your dog - or even just that somebody made you a cup of tea when you really needed one!  Special things don't have to be huge or momentous; sometimes it's just the little things that make a difference to the day.

So come on, folks - what really did happen to make your Wednesday special...?

The Bees of Opportunity

Deep within the dark recesses of the little stone shed in the courtyard, a nest of bumblebees has set up home... buzzing fatly and busily, their tiny furry forms can be seen amid the flowers, working steadily from dawn until dusk.  The door of the little shed is kept locked, so we were at first puzzled as to how our bees came and went, but careful observation revealed a bee-sized chink between two ill-fitting glass pantiles in the roof.

Standing in the shed's open doorway this afternoon, I watched as the bees buzzed to and fro - emerging at ground level from behind a stack of boxes and climbing to their egress in the roof.  I was fascinated that none of them seemed to notice the open door; flying to within a few inches of it as they rose to their chink between the rooftiles. 

Often, in life, opportunities will present themselves to us just like that open door.  Whether we choose to see them or not is up to us - and if we fail to notice them, just like the open door, the opportunity will close and be lost to us.  Sometimes we continue to do things the same way because that is what we have always done, even if the choice may be an unuseful one for us.  When we open our eyes, it's possible to see that there are always options in how we choose to be.

The Teachings of Dog: No 16 - Being Present

My niece has finally found herself a lovely cottage with an equally lovely landlady who allows her to have her dogs.  So Poppy and Snippets moved to their new abode a couple of weeks ago and have now become part-time, visiting only at weekends and on Thursdays.  We find it very strange having such a sudden reduction in our canine members of staff; watching "House" is no longer the same without Poppy to bark at the end credits (and we still have no idea why!) but the other dogs have adapted seamlessly and appear perfectly content in their reduced numbers... and when their friends arrive at the weekend, it's as if they were never away.

We all adapt to change in different ways; for many it is a huge source of stress and anxiety.  The dogs demonstrate such a beautifully elegant behavioural flexibility; for them, what matters is what is happening right now and they react accordingly.  We spend so much of our lives being stressed about the past or anxious about the future, and often forget that the present moment is an antidote to that stress and anxiety.  What can happen when we allow ourselves to be totally in the Now; accepting what is, with gratitude, wonder and curiosity...?

The Teachings of Dog - No 15: Let Dog be your co-pilot

The other day I came across the following story, from the wonderful author and therapist, Bill O'Hanlon. 

Some years ago, at the therapy group practice where Bill worked, a couple had sought relationship counselling.  They were very embittered with one another, but couldn't get a divorce because they had a dog that was the centre of their lives and neither of them was willing to give up even partial custody.

When the therapist worked with them, he discovered that the wife resented her husband's habit of coming home from work, not even acknowledging her when he walked through the door, but heading straight upstairs to shower.  By the time he arrived back downstairs she would be so livid that they would get into a terrible argument.

The therapist asked what the dog did when the husband arrived home, which was different from what the wife did.  It turned out that the dog would run to the door, greet the husband and get a nice rubbing in return.  The wife would wait in the other room for her husband to seek her out, which he didn't do.

The husband complained that the wife was not physically affectionate.  He longed for her to cuddle up next to him on the sofa while they were watching television, and would complain sarcastically that he must have body odour when she sat some distance away from him.

The therapist discovered that the dog was very assertive when he wanted affection; he would come over, sit next to the person from whom he wanted affection and push his nose under their arm if they were distracted or unresponsive, until they gave him a cuddle.

The couple was given this task:  they were to study the dog and make him their teacher and guru.  When they saw how he got what he wanted from their partner, they were to model that behaviour and try it out with their partner.  They had great fun with this and began to turn their relationship around, no longer wanting a divorce.

For any relationship that you would like to shift in a positive or better direction, Bill suggests that you could think of an animal whose behaviour you could model - or, as he says, let Dog be your co-pilot...